Nonsense Christmas Poems for Kids

A new collection of Max Scratchmann's funny, silly and nonsensical Christmas poems to enliven the festive season. I've said it before and I'll say it again, nonsense verse isn't to all tastes. If you prefer your poems straight funny, or sugary sweet, you may find that the funny kids Christmas poems on our sister site more to your taste. But if your revel in all things bonkers and bizarre, laugh out loud when all around you are looking stony faced and want some cannon fodder with which to amuse, bemuse or confuse your friends and elderly relatives at Christmas, you'll find everything you're looking for and more in Max's bumper selection of Christmas nonsense.

A Poem About Overeating at Christmas

Christmas is as much food fest as much as it's a religious festival, so it's appropriate that our opening poem, Christmas Party Snack Packs, is a celebration of overeating.

Poem Title

Christmas Party Snack Packs

Author

Style

Children's Christmas Poetry

Age Range

5-11

Key Stage

KS1, KS2

Length

10 lines

Christmas Party Snack Packs

Hello, it’s me, I’m here for tea, I’ll have a slice of cake,
That mincemeat pie is good for I, ‘twas nice of you to bake.
That chocolate liqueur, I’ll have for sure, and a Meltis Newbury Fruit,
And a turkey leg, I’ll surely beg, I’m sure it’s on my route.
This Toblerone is quite my own, and I’ll have some Turkish Delight,
Some marzipan?  Yes, I’m your man, I could eat that stuff all night.
A chocolate coin, a glass of wine, and German ginger bread,
An Advocaat, straight from the jar, it will go to my head.
Ooo, sausage roll, and toad in the hole, as made by Mrs Beeton,
But just a part of that rich jam tart, it’s not long since I’ve just eaten.

Christmas is Snow Much Fun

Next, a poem which is wintry in tone, rather than specifically a poem for Christmas. Icy winter days which bring the first fall of snow and the opportunity to build snowmen are one of the highlights of childhood. But grumpy old men (and I assure you Max isn't one of those) don't always share the feelings of fun that snow brings.

Poem Title

Snow Fun

Author

Style

Children's Christmas Poetry

Age Range

5-11

Key Stage

KS1, KS2

Length

16 lines

Snow Fun

When I was young I liked the snow,
That snowman-building winter show,
But now I’m old I’m not so sure,
It’s pristine, beauteous, white and pure.

I watch each frosty, fluffy flake,
Build into drifts and hostage take,
My roads and paths and city street,
Lock me in or bruise my seat.

My wellies slide, my feet unsteady,
Can this be winter?  I’m not ready.
So snow, come back another year,
I don’t want you, it’s true I fear.

Keep off my roads, my paths and yards,
And keep yourself to Christmas cards.
For eager children do not know,
That they will one day say, snow go.

What is Advent?

Now for a poem about the commercialisation of Christmas, which sees the essential Christian message obscured by mountains of tat and greedy companies eager to make mountains of money. We love it really, or do we?

Poem Title

Advent Calendars

Author

Style

Children's Christmas Poetry

Age Range

8-14

Key Stage

KS2, KS3

Length

16 lines

Advent Calendars

I went to buy an Advent cal, to tell the Christmas tale,
Of how the babe at Bethlehem defeated mortal vale,
Instead I found the Simpsons, Action Man and even Barbie,
To dole out chocolate nothings, to children who are tardy.

So I rang the advent publishers, said, what happened to The Word,
That story from the Gospels?  They said, you’re quite absurd,
We publish Advent calendars, you silly little sod,
They’re things we have at Christmas time, they’re nowt to do with God.

Now hold a blessed minute now, I posited to the man,
This Christmas stuff is Christian-based, they are its loyal fan.
Oh no, they said, you’ve got it wrong, we can’t repeat enough,
That Advent is a retail month, it’s all about the stuff.

So go and buy our chocolate coins, and crunchy fruity jellies,
And join the mass consumer tide that’s filling up their bellies,
For we love this Advent season, it’s our month of milk and honey,
It’s not about the birth of Christ, it’s about us making money.

More Avent Mayhem

And a second poem on a similar theme, again poking fun at Hallmark. I said earlier that Max isn't a grumpy old man, but I wonder whether I got things slightly wrong.

Poem Title

Christmas Song

Author

Style

Children's Christmas Poetry

Age Range

8-14

Key Stage

KS2, KS3

Length

4 lines

Christmas Song

Long time ago in Bethlehem, so the Holy Bible say,
Hallmark cards cooked up a scheme and called it Christmas Day,
And you and me and every schmo, buys loads of junk each year,
And Hallmark staff throughout the globe let out a hearty cheer!

And Relax

To conclude our festive offerings, a poem about the aftermath of Christmas and the tedious task of putting everything away until next year.

Poem Title

Christmas Day Is Over

Author

Style

Children's Christmas Poetry

Age Range

5-13

Key Stage

KS1, KS2, KS3

Length

10 lines

Christmas Day Is Over

Christmas day is over, Dad, take down the Xmas tree,
And put the cards upon the fire and pass the decs to me,
We’ll put the lights in the attic, Dad, and make sarnies with the roast,
And make up mincemeat butties, Dad, and take them to the coast.

Let’s pack up all the baubles, Dad, the glow stars and the fairy,
The snowman figure on the lawn and the Santa above the dairy,
‘Cause Christmas day is over, Dad, the crackers have all gone pop,
There’s Christmas specials on telly, Dad, but eventually they’ll have to stop.

The lights are down in the valleys, Dad, there’s darkness all over Wales,
Yes, Christmas day is over, dad, and we’re all off to the sales.

See you again next year when we'll have some hilarious, but slightly rude Christmas poems to enjoy.

Nonsense Christmas PoemsFunny Christmas Poems

Don't forget to try our funny Christmas poems as well
Funny Poems and Nonsense Verse for Kids
Funny Poems and Nonsense Verse for Kids
Copyright © Nonsense Poems for Kids / Patrick Winstanley 2002-2015 All Rights Reserved.
Individual poems are copyright Max Scratchmann and used with permission